how to form an ulcer

A fifteen step program in “How to form an ulcer” (aka nearly lose your boyfriend and risk your own insanity)…

Step 1. Pick the busiest month of the year when your boyfriend has more to do than humanly possible.

Step 2. Fall in love with a new apartment. In our case it was a loft space that was sooooooo cool with 40 foot ceilings and 1200 sq feet and allowed for dogs! The down sides: right by the train tracks with hooting trains that go by all the live long day and night, it is not nearly in as cool a neighborhood (or as safe), it is further from BART, and it is more $$$.

Step 3. Spend two days waiting by the computer pressing refresh every 2 seconds in hopes for the rental application to come through.

Step 4. Get the application and fill it out.

Step 5. Get burritos and drive to the new apartment space and sit outside in the dark to see what it is like at night. Eat the burritos.

Step 6. Take the completed application and drive it at 10:00pm to the property manager’s office in San Rafael before anyone else can get their application in.

Step 7. Sit outside the property manager’s office for two hours until 12:00am and talk about whether this is the right decision or not.

Step 8. Get cold feet, don’t turn the application in and drive home. Boyfriend is relieved, girlfriend is having second thoughts.

Step 9. Wake up the next day to a girlfriend with regret pains (aka start of ulcer). Boyfriend drives back to San Rafael to turn the application in (aka start of ulcer).

Step 10. Wait for days and days for the credit dude to do his job.

Step 11. Convince your current property managers to allow you to give a temporary 30-days notice (when it is actually now 29 days) even though you don’t know if you have  a new apartment or not.

Step 12. Wait. Deliberate. Get nervous.

Step 13. Go back to the space and check it out once more. Girlfriend loves it boyfriend is not so sure.

Step 14. Think too much. Get way too many people involved in helping you make a decision. Try to sleep through the night. Don’t sleep. Girlfriend has dreams about boyfriend leaving her because the loft rental was too stressful.

Step 15. 1:30 pm…your application is accepted. 2:00pm you call the boyfriend for a final decision (all while you know you have to give your current property managers a final decision on whether to continue with your 30 days notice or not by 5:00pm that day). Boyfriend and girlfriend talk over and over and make up their minds 2983758275987 times but then change it 2.5 seconds later. 4:30pm the ulcer starts to take full effect. 4:45 you pass on the opportunity.

Ulcer.

The loft space at night…don’t tell me it is cool because it is gone. Moving on.

Loft

Author: Ali Carras

At a very young age I lost site of my mom in a local grocery store in Boulder, Colorado. I did, however, have the smarts to go to the customer service counter. The kind woman at the counter asked "What is your name little girl?" My reply: "Assi." The woman gave me a look like, "Are you playing with me you little devil?" but she proceeded to blast on the loudspeaker the "We have a lost Assi at the front of the store." Customers throughout the store gagged and giggled, but my mom knew exactly who the woman was referring to: the mullet haired little girl with a tongue too big for her mouth, wearing a leotard, skirt, tights, and jelly shoes (with florescent green laces in them...even though they didn't need the laces). A shy little character for whom every little detail in life was a huge thing. I am pleased to report that today I am able to fully pronounce Allison (aka Ali), but the Assi pseudonym has always stuck, evolving into Aszi. As for the shy little character for whom every little detail in life was a huge thing? Some things never change. I have closed my comments due to mass amounts of spam that no filter could ever control. Feel free to contact me abeckord [at] gmail.com!

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