taking a big step

(photo taken with VSCO app for my iphone)

You should see this one section of my hair that is so so gray you’d think I was a 70 year old in a 33 year old body (i.e. it is time to get my hair did). It is actually a really pretty shiny silver gray and part of me wants to just let it go and embrace being a silver fox (ha!) but another part of me thinks I’m not quite ready.

“I’m not quite ready.” Lordy, this seems to be the theme of our lives at the moment.

We’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately thinking about our future and where we want to be, what we want to be doing, what sort of life we want to provide our kiddo and how we might go about this thing called survival. One night we made up our minds and thought we had an answer and got all excited/scared. The next day after some venturing we decided we aren’t quite ready. It is really hard to take a big step when there are a lot of unknowns, self-employed factors to consider and dependents to provide for. I fear a little that maybe we are making the wrong choice by doing what is comfortable but I also fear if we made a big change we’d regret it.

But, it never hurts to take some time to think about the possibilities, enjoy what you have while you have it and try to  grow some cojones, ha!

to be put on a pedestal

Processed with VSCOcam{photo taken with VSCO app for my iphone…I really do know how to take photos with good cameras, I’m just lazy more often than not}

Things I’ve come to learn about baby child: She likes order, she likes routines, she likes predictability, she likes her independence and she likes hedgehogs. I guess this could be true for most kids (plus or minus the hedgehogs) but it is interesting to realize what she needs to feel happy and secure. In the case of the hedgehogs, she likes these specific items placed on the mini green chair on our photo ledge…she doesn’t need any other toys or items up here, just the hedgehogs. And she gets SO excited to see the hedgehogs on the chair on the ledge. And actually, I find a lot of joy in seeing the hedgehogs on the chair on the ledge too. If I were back in college I might consider doing a psych study to see if in having a hedgehog on a chair on a ledge elevates positive neurons in your brain. Because honestly I think it does.

a year in review

 

Processed with VSCOcam
{photo taken with VSCO app for my iphone}

My goal this weekend is to recap all my favorite memories from 2013 before they vanish from my little brain. So, in no particular order:

**disclaimer! This was “the year of the baby” so the majority of my memories revolve around baby and her milestones. If you don’t like babies then you’d better look away fast.

-The first 3 months of 2013 pretty much revolved around boobs. I knew breastfeeding would take a lot out of me but I wasn’t prepared for the amount of time it would take every single day for a long, long time and how little else I would get to do. After about the first few months it became second nature but man, it was like a wild African scene in our loft. Sorry to any neighbors/friends who saw things they were not prepared to see. In Vancouver, Canada ladies are whipping their man made nursing utensils out left and right which was awesome, but you just don’t see that as much out here.

-Lots of little travels in 2013. Fbombs first trip was to Palm Springs, CA at around 2 months then to Olympia, WA at 3 months then to Colorado at 4.5 months then back to Palm springs at 5 months then to San Luis Obispo for a weekend trip, then to Tahoe, then to Chicago at 9 months, then to Ashland, OR and back to Olympia with a quick trip to Vancouver at 10 months, then back to Colorado for her one year birthday. She has been such a good traveler both by car and plane. I’m guessing our easy travel days are coming to a close but man, she is such a travel buddy.

-Halloween in Colorado was pretty memorable. I had had too much coffee the day before Halloween and decided we needed to bring the old Beckord tradition back and scare the kiddos again. So my wild mind got going and I formulated lots of plans on how to raise the biggest fright. Then I realized, “I’m a mom and baby will have to go to bed.” So, my good old pops did all the scaring and he did one heck of a good job. Nothing like giving used golf balls out as treats, right?

-Ma’s bladder cancer came back a number of times throughout the year but before the holidays she was disease free. Yippee!! Now thinking happy thoughts for 2014.

-Cdawg shooting his first magazine cover. Exciting to see him branch out more and more.

-Waking up the morning of Fdizzle’s 1st birthday to snow! On the teepee!

-Sleeping on the bathroom floor with food poisoning when I should have been camping with my sister on her 40th birthday. But then getting to surprise her as she floated on Eel river. I love my sister.

-A dear friend’s wedding at the most magical place on earth (it wasn’t Disneyland).

-The death of our old Audi and the birth of our “we are parents now” hot red used Volvo station wagon.

-Seeing baby child sit up, eat real food, crawl, pull up, cruise and walk. I’m so so so so so so thankful I’ve been home to see all this stuff even if it means I’m not saving a lot of dough.

-Catching baby child’s first steps on video. Not sure how we were quick enough to do it but we did. She had no idea she had walked so it was no big deal to her. Just another day playing with the salad spinner.

-Spending lots of good time with friends who also have offspring. Thanks, friends, for also having offspring.

-The birth of the first Beckord BOY. Finally, we have someone to carry on the Beckord name. And I’ll never forget meeting him for the first time WHILE watching a Bronco game with my bro/sis-in-law in the recovery room, while drinking a beer. That is the way to do it.

-Doing a mini shoot with such awesome, awesome families. I’m really grateful and can’t wait to do more!

-Back to Olympia then Palm Springs then Olympia to start the new year.

 

start fresh

My wild mind got going last night and I thought of all these things I want to do and see and create. I think my brain was trying to tell me it is malnourished in the creativity department and I need to feed it BIG TIME! So, I’m gonna. And I’m gonna share. And even though I stay up too late and get up too early trying to do all that I have to do I’m going to carve just a little more me time to make these things happen. Push/encourage me! Say “Assi, it is time to get your saucy creative pants on and go wild!” And if you push me enough I will buy these. Or maybe these are more fitting?

{photo taken with VSCO app for my iphone}

moral of the story

 

I have to document that prior to having kids I’d see moms doing certain things and I’d think to myself “I wonder why she would do that? If I had a baby/kid I would do {insert something opposite from what the mom was doing}.” Well, now that roles have reversed I can understand exactly why all these different moms did what they did. Moral of the story: don’t judge moms if you don’t have kids. I did and I shouldn’t have.

center part


This has been one heck of a week. Nursing strike (strike from baby, not from someone who wears these) and our water heater went on the fritz so I had to take an ice cold shower to which baby heard me squeal and scream and was probably traumatized. And now the heat outside is taking over. Poor Oslo, it is hard to be a black dog on a hot day.

But, Cdawg made a killer beef brisket when I was feeling low on iron and baby is now scooting backwards. She is becoming an independent woman! Life is good.

roses, thorns and a few dandelions


My sister’s family has this great dinner tradition of going over everyone’s “roses and thorns” from the day…highlighting the good and the bad events (with a few dandelions every now and then). I love this idea. When you are having a rough day and feel like it is full of only thorns it is good/nice to reflect on the little bits of positivity. Since it has been 239859327532 months since I last posted on this here blog I thought I’d list a few roses and thorns from all that we’ve done over the past few months to help me summarize life as it has been.

Roses:

I’d have to say, life with baby is so rewarding and fulfilling and love filled and changes daily and draining and exciting and fun and scary and inspiring all the same time. This little person has filled me with a love like I’ve never felt before. Her big gummy grin with her big fat cheeks just gets me. Have kids. They are worth it. You get to see life again from a new/fresh perspective which is so awesome when you get stuck in your own head doing things the way you’ve always done them.

My mom is an incredibly strong woman and I want to be like her when I grow up. She has been doing so great with her bladder cancer surgery #2 and chemotherapy. And, although she doesn’t feel well after rounds of “poison” she doesn’t complain.

Spending my first mother’s day with my mom.

Ctron is always a rose. And to top it off he is a rose who knows how to cook and the food he makes is way beyond anything I can ever dream of. I’ve made dinner maybe like a handful of times since baby arrived. Not sure what I’d do without Ctron.

Getting to spend the first half of baby’s life in so many different spots. 2 weeks in Palm Springs at 2 months of age, 3 weeks in Olympia at 3 months, 1 week in Colorado at 4.5 months then 2 more weeks in Palm Springs. She is an awesome travel buddy.

Friends getting engaged and having their nuptials at one of my very favorite places on earth.

Friends/family having babies.

Thorns:

Post partum hair loss. I had like five strands of hair before I had a baby and now I’m down to a Homer Simpson look. Plus, of the few I have that might be new/growing back they are coming in a beautiful gray. I don’t mind gray hair but I’m kind of not ready to be fully gray. I’m too young for that. And of course a good chunk is right in the front where I normally part my hair. So, I’ve started to part my hair on the other side as a cheap fix. It feels weird.

Trying to juggle work and baby. I don’t know how single mothers do it. I don’t know how working moms do it. I don’t know how moms without a Ctron do it…and our baby is easy! If anyone has any tips on ways to balance life, baby and work I’d love to hear. We have not yet gone the many/daycare route purely for financial reasons but we may have to give it a shot. I can’t quite get work done during the day but I also shouldn’t stay up until 1 or 2am every night.

Car died. That was stressful and expensive. But, we got a new/used bright red Volvo which is what you do when you start a family. And I wear mom jeans in my volvo (actually, the volvo is awesome so that is a good thing, not bad).

Dandelions:

Still not sure where we should end up. I just can’t yet let go of the bay area but I also know that I’d love to raise baby in a different environment that encompasses a simpler life. This indecision makes our head spin but it is also exciting. I still want to go the live in an RV route but I know that isn’t practical.

I really have to incorporate a few more things in my day where I can be inspired or creative (beyond just looking at pinterest) so I think I need to take more photos of something other than a baby, paint or sew again (woot!) and blog! So, here is me saying I hope to blog more. (side note: I wrote this post like two weeks ago and am just adding to the blog so the “blogging more” is going to be slow but I AM going to do it! I need to for my soul).

 

 

the birth story

If you have not guessed it by now, we had our baby…little baby girl Freya was born on October 30th and to say we are overjoyed is an understatement (I seriously mean that!!).  We’ve had a few amazing weeks and some time to adjust to the transition of life with baby and now that the third round of company is gone and our lives are a little quieter I’m able to get back to reality (in small doses). Each day I have a goal of one thing I’d like to accomplish and while most days the task of showering will be enough today I told myself I MUST jot down her birth story before I forget it all, even if I have to do it one handed and it takes me several hours. So, here goes:

October 29: 7:30am. I woke up feeling like I had to pee and maybe couldn’t hold it in. Little did I know this urge was my water breaking (super anticlimactic!).  I went to the bathroom, walked Oslo for a mile or two and when I returned home my “systems” just felt different. I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions during the pregnancy so it was hard for me to know if these feelings were more of the same or not. Nonetheless, I semi ignored it all and started working at my job like I normally do (I’m a dork). When C woke up I told him things were “feeling different” and of course being the logical person he is he said I should call the hospital. I called and they said to come in. So, I lollygagged…and worked some more (major dork!). We left around noon and luckily the roads were clear …one thing I feared as much as labor…the drive to the hospital in rush hour traffic! (and just for the purpose of journaling this I have to add that C did miss the exit to the hospital, ha!) The gals in triage took a test and indeed my water had broken. So, the party was about to begin. I went to Continue reading “the birth story”

39 weeks…one week (more or less) to go!

Yup, we are now at 39 weeks. I have had a life beyond just getting bigger and I probably should have documented a lot of the goings on so I don’t forget all the wonderful/challenging events (mental note: amazing baby shower, family visiting, mom’s bladder cancer, “foodie-moon,” food trucks etc) but I’ve been slacking. I’m going to pull the pregnancy card on this one. Maybe I’ll get to these at some point…

But for now I told myself I need to document a little of how this pregnancy thing has gone for me before I forget it all. So here I go (in no particular order):

  • The one comment I’ve appreciated the most from strangers and family/friends is “You look healthy.” Hopefully these have been genuine comments but compared to anything else anyone has ever said the “healthy” made me feel really good.
  • The food aspect to being pregnant hasn’t been as fun as I thought it might be. Not sure why exactly but part of it may be due to questioning too much whether what I was eating was good or not…and over thinking things. Having a “glucose intolerance” (i.e. borderline gestational diabetes) at first was frustrating and I didn’t know what I should be eating, but then it helped guide me with portion size and quantities of certain foods that would best for me and ultimately I think it was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to eat lots of protein all day long….when normally I probably wouldn’t. The downside is I have a major sweet tooth and crave fruit juice, cinnamon rolls and anything with salted caramel in it….all of which I haven’t touched in months.
  • I had a moment last night where I was really thankful that we decided not to move. We majorly debated on where we should be and why we shouldn’t stay in our loft but at the moment I’m really glad we stayed put. Part of it is probably because a number of our neighbors either recently had babies or are having kids so the “vibe” in the building is changing but also I think mentally I’m just happy to be here…for now (not forever).
  • The Thomas’ pumpkin spice english muffins are really good.
  • I loved the moment when my family was leaving after our baby shower weekend and my sister and I had a weepy girly exchange (which we don’t usually do) because the “Assi” she had always known was becoming a “Mama Assi.” Thank you, sista, for having this moment with me.
  • Being pregnant in hot hot heat is painful…and makes you swell. Thank goodness the bay area has such a temperate climate.
  • Since I work from home and don’t have a super social life on a day to day basis I’ve loved that strangers will talk to you.
  • On the flip side, I’d say I’ve become a major hermit in some ways…especially during the first trimester.
  • I’m proud that I helped Cdawg with his work up through my 8th month. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to deal with several 12 hour days on my feet in the heat, lugging camera gear around and such but I did it and I felt great.
  • The baby ALWAYS kicks when it hears Katy Perry. Uh oh.
  • People always ask what cravings I’ve had…and my pregnancy brain can’t remember. So I have to document: greek, ethiopian and mexican foods, french dip, cheesy pizza and anything sweet. If I had my way I’d also spend my days eating nothing but fruit with maybe some greek food on the side…ha!
  • I’ve really appreciated how amazing friends/family have been through the entire process. The sense of community, sharing and love that comes with having a kid is incredible. I hope I can share the love with others.
  • I have not worn jeans in 8 months. Dressing myself has been a challenge (thank goodness for clothes from Emiliana!!)
  • I have lots of gray hairs but am not doing anything about it.

If you had asked me last week if I was ready I’d say no way…not talking about ready with material things but mentally I just wasn’t ready. I had a few moments feeling anxious, questioning whether I could handle being a mom and such but as of this week my mind has quieted and I feel like I’m in a good place. You can never really be ready and I have no idea what we are really in for but mentally I’m in a good place. We are certainly not in the clear until baby comes and who knows what sort of card we’ll be dealt but I’m in a good place and am excited. Bring it baby!

© 2022 AsziChild