how to scare the crap out of your parents, as told by a 23 month old

“How to Scare the Crap Out of Your Parents” as told my our 23 month old little girl…

Step 1: Dish up a low grade fever. Have your fever go up and down and all around just to confuse them a little…especially if they are the type of parents who can’t remember how high it needs to be before they take you to the hospital.

Step 2: Start to feel better and have your fever go down…right before bedtime. Then act like your silly self so your parents think all is well.

Step 3: Go to bed in record time.

Step 4: About an hour after you are fast asleep have your fever spike and start up a febrile seizure. Let out a shrill sound that your parents have never heard before so they come running.

Step 5: Pass out, turn gray and play dead (but still breathe).

Step 6: By now your parents will really be scared so they’ll probably be screaming in your ear to “Wake up!” and “Stay with us!” and such and such. Just ignore it all, pretend to be a limp noodle and don’t open your eyes.

Step 7: Your parents will now probably rush you to the ER if they haven’t called 911. You’ll get prodded in the bum so the docs can see how high your temperature is and if you are lucky they will put you in a room with a big comfy bed. Keep taking some naps.

Step 8: Now the fun part begins. You get to meet all these nice people who talk to you in high voices and your daddy might show you a video while you get your blood drawn and they have stickers and a coloring book and stuff to look at. Keep in mind that it is now the middle of the night so you get to stay up really late!

Step 9: Your parents get scolded for not giving you Tylenol right when you got that low grade fever.

Step 10: When you get to go home your parents treat you like this magical princess and they give you hugs and kisses every few seconds and the next day you get to read books all day and you’ll maybe even get to watch a Mr. Rodgers show and you get yummy yogurt tubes and your mama makes you chicken noodle soup and man…life is good.


Author: Ali Carras

At a very young age I lost site of my mom in a local grocery store in Boulder, Colorado. I did, however, have the smarts to go to the customer service counter. The kind woman at the counter asked "What is your name little girl?" My reply: "Assi." The woman gave me a look like, "Are you playing with me you little devil?" but she proceeded to blast on the loudspeaker the "We have a lost Assi at the front of the store." Customers throughout the store gagged and giggled, but my mom knew exactly who the woman was referring to: the mullet haired little girl with a tongue too big for her mouth, wearing a leotard, skirt, tights, and jelly shoes (with florescent green laces in them...even though they didn't need the laces). A shy little character for whom every little detail in life was a huge thing. I am pleased to report that today I am able to fully pronounce Allison (aka Ali), but the Assi pseudonym has always stuck, evolving into Aszi. As for the shy little character for whom every little detail in life was a huge thing? Some things never change. I have closed my comments due to mass amounts of spam that no filter could ever control. Feel free to contact me abeckord [at]!

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